I’m out. Deliberately Avoiding Your Call.

I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a sucker. I don’t like to say no to people. Not any people. Panhandler’s get me every single time. If my kid wants something, unless it’s completely outrageous, you can bet he’ll be getting it. When my family asks me to do something, I’ll go out of my way to get it done. All because I’m afraid of disappointing people, even strangers.

It’s a flaw I have and honestly, it’s getting out of hand. Lately, my time has become limited. But I still find myself saying yes with my family, when I should really say no. Maybe it’s because we’re in such close proximity. Actually, it’s DEFINITELY because we’re close. There are times when I don’t feel like my life is my own.

Everything hinges on what my parents/brother/niece are doing. I thought moving to separate homes was going to reduce the amount of time we spend together, but really, it hasn’t. I don’t blame them totally. I blame myself mostly. Because I can’t say no.

This isn’t a new problem. It’s been this way for years. I look at my folks and don’t understand how they could want to be around me so much. I mean hell, they married each other when they were 18 and 16 to get the heck away from their families. Why don’t they understand that’s what I want? I know they didn’t love their folks and siblings any less. They just needed to feel independence. I need that too. But every time I talk about it, I feel like I’m letting them down somehow by wanting to get away. It’s all in my head I’m sure. I have to work it out somehow. I just wish I knew where to start without having that guilt weighing me down.

This morning, I received the bill for the next year’s hosting service for this blog. I am now faced with the decision of whether to pay for another year, or let this last year of keeping an online diary go quietly into the night. I’m seriously considering the latter. While it’s been fun and I’ve met an incredible group of people, I don’t know that it’s worth the money just to have a great theme. I could be doing it for free or not at all, just going back to reading and enjoying the writings of others.

And so I face, the final curtain. Decisions, decisions.

Are you passionate about your work? Or is it a way to pay your bills and keep a roof over your head? If you’re not passionate, do you at least like what you do?

In general, I’m pretty happy with where things are in my life. For now. I will finally be separating from my folks and moving into my own space (thank GOD!), I feel like I’ve got a good grasp on my job and am happy with my work environment in general, and Joey is doing really well, so I can’t ask for more. Except…I want more.

I know I am not passionate about my work because it is a way for me to pay my bills. I fell into this type of work on accident and have been stuck in a vicious cycle ever since. No matter what I do, I can’t seem to get out. Partly because I know I’m not trying very hard, but also because I feel like not only are funds lmited, but my options are limited too.

In two weeks I’ll be turning 36. I am feeling boxed in, like time is running out and I have to make a decision right now. I know that’s silly. 36 isn’t old and there is plenty of time for me to take on whatever I want to take on…I just wish I knew what it was.

I have a lot of interests. There are many things I’d love to do. Choosing one will be difficult. And scary. What if I don’t like it? What if it’s not what I thought it would be? I’ll have invested time in it and have to start over with something else? Eeek. That thought scares me. And makes me want to stay in my comfort zone. A zone where I know I’ll make good money and have job security. A zone that won’t let me down except in every way that truly matters.

I am making excuses for not trying something new. I know it. I just wish I knew how to stop making excuses and start living a really passionate life.

“I’ve heard he’s been called Bush’s poodle. He’s bigger than that.”

–George W. Bush, on former British Prime Minister Tony Blair, as quoted by the Sun newspaper, June 27, 2007

Right, he’s more like Bush’s Great Dane. Or maybe even Bush’s bear, who he can hold at night and tell all his secrets too.

Oy.