I’m out. Deliberately Avoiding Your Call.

In coming up with my plan for the future, I read. A lot. I did tons of research on getting myself moving toward a more positive direction. I’m normally not a self help book type of girl, but I read a few this last months. Some were downright depressing, while others had practical tips and encouragement that were well worth the trip to the library.

I made lists. Good/Bad, Pro/Con, career lists, etc. I wrote scenarios of my perfect life. I wrote scenarios of the shittiest life I could imagine. I even made a collage (now working toward a shadow box) in order to keep myself motivated and moving in the right direction.

In all this research and soul searching, I came to the conclusion that I sort of pondered a few months ago: It’s time to go back to school. Ever since I started thinking about school, I’ve been really resistant to the whole idea. I just can’t imagine getting back into an educational environment. And while I know I am not the oldest person in the world to return to school, I feel like I might be chasing a pipe dream. At the same time, I am excited beyond belief to finally be doing something for myself.

So I registered for classes yesterday. There’s no turning back now.

I looked at several dream interepretation websites and think I have this dream thing figured out. Which is a good thing because last nights dream was a freakin’ doozy and I don’t know how much more I can take.

The Dream Moods Dictionary had this to say:
To dream about the death of a loved one, suggests that you are lacking a certain aspect or quality that the loved one embodies. Ask yourself what makes this person special or what do you like about him. It is that very quality that you are lacking in your own relationship or circumstances. Alternatively, it indicates that whatever that person represents has no part in your own life.

To dream of your own death, indicates a transitional phase in your life. You are becoming more enlightened or spiritual. Alternatively, you are trying desperately to escape the demands of your daily life.

While the Astrology section of iVillage had this to say:

The psychological facet is part and parcel of feeling endangered by your circumstances. This danger may be tangible or merely sensed in the dream. If it is tangible, the source of the danger is the area for interpretive work (whom, why, how, and what has endangered your life?). If the danger is merely sensed, it may symbolize ambivalence concerning a soul’s transition into facets of self-awareness you may not want to completely embrace.

And the Dream Dictionary (by far the weirdest site) on Dream Central said this:

For years in our family it has meant that someone in the family would soon be wed and the wedding would be beautiful. In some circles it means a birth, the opposite of death. To be unable to identify the dead person means a windfall of money for you, To talk to a dead relative is a sign of great good luck.

Essentially, all of the sites I looked at said it is symbolizing something coming to an end. A cycle or relationship or something like that. One site even mentioned it may be something about myself that I’m not even aware of which I would like to “kill off”. I can tell you what that thing is right now: this HUGE freakin’ zit on my chin. It hurts like a bitch.

I can’t even begin to comprehend what my subconscious was trying to say to me last night. It is way too out there for me to even share with people. But I may take Billymac’s advice and start journaling this for a future Twilight Zone type story.

Last year, I had a couple of strange dreams involving a man trying to kill me. Both times I was running from him in the neighborhood I first lived in when we moved to Phoenix and both times we ended up in my church having sex before he actually killed me. Of course, that’s slightly disturbing, but I’ve always had weird dreams, so I didn’t really think anything about it.

Until today. The last three nights I’ve had dreams of death. Either someone being murdered in front of me, or, as was the case last night, me strangling someone to death. It’s all I’ve been thinking about this morning. It was so vividly real. I could feel the guys throat under my hands, the beard stubble on his chin scratching my knuckles. I could literally feel the pulse of his carotid artery under my fingers, at first pounding and then getting weaker and weaker. In my head I kept thinking I was in danger and this was my only option. Except I don’t know what he did to put me in danger.

The two previous nights I dreamed of a man trying to run away and someone else chasing him. Could have been a woman, but I’m not sure. In my dream, he suddenly stops and turns and the person runs at him full force and impales him with a metal rod. Not a knife, but a rod.

Immediately following the deat of this unknown man, I wake up. My heart is all but jumping out of my chest and I’m breathing like I just ran a marathon. Of course I’m scared out of my mind and have trouble falling back to sleep.

Needless to say I’m exhausted and more than a little freaked out.

Last week I mentioned having had a rather enlightening moment. It was a moment in which everything in my life seemed to come to center. It was an unusual, yet peaceful sensation.

For most of my life, I’ve been the kind of person who looks like they’re in charge, but really, I’ve let others guide my decisions. Many times I’ve made decisions out of anger or hurt and while the majority of them have turned out ok, there have been a few that really came back to bite me in the ass. It’s become quite a habit for me to get a great idea, get all excited about it, then let it drop by the way side because I’m embarrassed to share it with others, or, in some cases, I just get too lazy and comfortable in my current situation and don’t want to do the work required to make my idea happen.

While driving to work last week, I had a sudden vision of exactly where I want to be, exactly what I want to be doing and the people I want to be surrounded with. I know it sounds corny, but it was like seeing my life flash before my eyes including things that have yet to become reality. It ocurred to me I am wasting my life dreaming of things that will never be. Things I wish I could do, or be, but will never come to fruition. Not because I couldn’t do it, but because they are unrealistic.

I’m not sure why I came to this conclusion, or even why it all makes sense now. But I do know I’m happier today than I have ever been. Is it because I feel like I have a purpose? Or maybe it’s because I’m not pressuring myself with things that I know in my heart will never happen. For whatever reason, I recognize now what I have to offer people, what I have to offer myself and where I can take my life and be truly happy.

When Joey was just over two, he had a nightmare that involved my mother and the fact that her eyeballs melted right out of her head. It was literally two weeks before he would go near her, his dream was that vivid. He’s 15 now and still talks about that dream.

It’s funny the things that stick with you over the years. In general, they aren’t always the happy things. Why is that I wonder? Why don’t the happy dreams stick with us too? Everyone I talk to can always remember nightmares, but rarely remember dreams in which they felt happy.

My dreams are usually out of this world bizzare: giant squids who rule the earth; half snake/half man people who control my house; other worlds which we travel between via an old boot. Just strange stuff. But I dream a lot about things that happened during the day, or things I’m anticipating and they’re never happy dreams. Always dreams about things that have gone wrong, or could go wrong and always in a bad, murderous type way. Maybe I should see a dream analyst.

Anyway, in exactly 5 hours and 27 minutes, I will officially begin vacation. And I plan on creating happy memories of which I can dream.

Behave yourselves.