I’m out. Deliberately Avoiding Your Call.

In coming up with my plan for the future, I read. A lot. I did tons of research on getting myself moving toward a more positive direction. I’m normally not a self help book type of girl, but I read a few this last months. Some were downright depressing, while others had practical tips and encouragement that were well worth the trip to the library.

I made lists. Good/Bad, Pro/Con, career lists, etc. I wrote scenarios of my perfect life. I wrote scenarios of the shittiest life I could imagine. I even made a collage (now working toward a shadow box) in order to keep myself motivated and moving in the right direction.

In all this research and soul searching, I came to the conclusion that I sort of pondered a few months ago: It’s time to go back to school. Ever since I started thinking about school, I’ve been really resistant to the whole idea. I just can’t imagine getting back into an educational environment. And while I know I am not the oldest person in the world to return to school, I feel like I might be chasing a pipe dream. At the same time, I am excited beyond belief to finally be doing something for myself.

So I registered for classes yesterday. There’s no turning back now.

“To begin my life with the beginning of my life, I record that I was born…”* Wait, maybe that’s too far back.

A lot of my life has been spent looking forward. So far forward in fact that I tend to forget the many, MANY steps it takes to get to the point I want to reach. I have never been one to sit down and make a plan. Almost every thing I’ve ever done has been due to a deep unhappiness with myself.

In 2006, when I decided to move, I did it on a whim. I knew living in Phoenix was not what I wanted for myself or for Joey. So after a brief vacation on the east coast, I decided very quickly that I wanted to move there. I had a couple friends there and I was fairly confident I could get a job quickly. Only after a few weeks of searching, nothing was coming to fruition. And then I received a call from a former colleague and good friend here in Portland.

It was his suggestion that I move to the Pac NW. So I abandoned my plan to move east and started applying for jobs in Portland. Just like that. No thought. No lists of pro’s and con’s or research into the area or economy. I was frustrated with my current search so immediately delved into a new search. Within in three weeks I had been granted an interview and then offered a job.

I was thrilled, to say the least. I accepted the job, again without any research into the company (although it’s fairly well known and has, for the most part, a great reputation), no thought into where I was going to live or where Joey would go to school. I just jumped right into a new situation, just knowing I would be happier. What’s that saying? Hind sight is always 20/20.

Needless to say I have been less than excited about the job, the city and the weather. To put it bluntly, they all stink. Big time. I know I’ve complained ad nauseum about how much I hate it here, so it’s not really all that big of a revelation.

However, over the last almost two years since I arrived in Portland, I’ve changed dramatically. For one, I’ve had several internal revelations about who I am and where I’m heading in life. That’s never happened for me before. While I’d like to say I’ve started to make plans for those revelations, that would be a lie. The major difference is that I’ve at least taken a step back and really looked at the bigger picture. And I have to tell you, it’s a beautiful scene.

I’ve committed to staying here until 2010, the year Joey graduates. A little over two years. In the grand scheme of things, it’s not long at all. Barely the blink of an eye. But also long enough to make a plan. A good one.

to be continued…

* How could I come up with something better than that? I mean, really, Dickens pretty much nailed it on how we all begin our lives.

** The blog stays. At least for another year.

More to follow.

This last year I have spent a lot of time talking about how I need a change. Moving to Portland was supposed to be that change, but alas it only served to move my pathetic laziness from one state to another. And I’ve complained about it ad nausuem.

Over the last two weeks I’ve been working on a plan to work on a plan. I know that makes no sense to the blogosphere but it makes sense to me and that’s what matters. So over the course of the next year, things are going to look a little different around here. Mostly by becoming my sounding board and a place for me to lay out my plans and chronical my journey.

Because moving forward is imperative to me. This constant stagnation is giving me hemorrhoids…

I’m well and good entrenched in my 30’s. Not that I wasn’t before. But today, well today marks the first day on the downhill side into my 40’s. I’m not particularly worried or depressed. At least not any more than usual. Birthday’s don’t bother me anymore. They come whether you want them to or not, so why get all worked up?

I have been thinking though. Thinking about the last six years. And how much I’ve grown and changed in that period of time. I started my 30’s with very little direction or purpose. Now I’ve worked my way into what most people would call a great job and what I call good security. I’ve got a wonderful kid who 99.9% of the time causes no trouble. I have a loving family despite their annoyances on my personage. And more importantly, I feel like I know what I want from this life. Even if I don’t know how to get there.

So these next four years are going to be about finding a way to get from A to B and not only have direction and purpose, but inner peace and happiness as well.