I’m out. Deliberately Avoiding Your Call.

Are you passionate about your work? Or is it a way to pay your bills and keep a roof over your head? If you’re not passionate, do you at least like what you do?

In general, I’m pretty happy with where things are in my life. For now. I will finally be separating from my folks and moving into my own space (thank GOD!), I feel like I’ve got a good grasp on my job and am happy with my work environment in general, and Joey is doing really well, so I can’t ask for more. Except…I want more.

I know I am not passionate about my work because it is a way for me to pay my bills. I fell into this type of work on accident and have been stuck in a vicious cycle ever since. No matter what I do, I can’t seem to get out. Partly because I know I’m not trying very hard, but also because I feel like not only are funds lmited, but my options are limited too.

In two weeks I’ll be turning 36. I am feeling boxed in, like time is running out and I have to make a decision right now. I know that’s silly. 36 isn’t old and there is plenty of time for me to take on whatever I want to take on…I just wish I knew what it was.

I have a lot of interests. There are many things I’d love to do. Choosing one will be difficult. And scary. What if I don’t like it? What if it’s not what I thought it would be? I’ll have invested time in it and have to start over with something else? Eeek. That thought scares me. And makes me want to stay in my comfort zone. A zone where I know I’ll make good money and have job security. A zone that won’t let me down except in every way that truly matters.

I am making excuses for not trying something new. I know it. I just wish I knew how to stop making excuses and start living a really passionate life.

I’m considering making a change.  Could be major, could be minor.  It is definitely a dilemma in whether I follow my heart or my head.

I’m 35 years old.  I’ve never done anything I originally set out to do because I’m too scared of what others will think of me.  Or that I’ll ruin a potentially good thing…even when I know it’s not a good thing.

So, do I  throw caution to the wind and for at least this one time follow something in which I have absolutely no idea how it will turn out, or do I dream about it, then abandon it for reason?

What to do, what to do.

And in case you need something to wake you up today, take a peek at this… Read the rest of this entry »

Despite my the grand epiphany of two weeks ago, I have been feeling very down about my current situation. And isn’t that a pisser? I have this wonderful life affirming moment only to have it crumble around the edges because I can’t get things together right now. Annoying on so many levels.

If you aren’t aware, when I moved here last year, my parents followed me. They were also ready for a change from the dry Arizona heat. I was actually excited to know they would be taking this journey with me. Since I had never made a major move on my own, it was nice to know I had two pro’s helping me along the way.

I arrived in Portland about two months prior to my parents. Prior to my departure from Phoenix, we had decided since the area was going to be new to both of us, we would live together until we figured out what areas we liked, where everyone would be working, etc. At the time it was a brilliant plan. Not so much anymore.

I love my parents. They are wonderful people who helped me considerably in regards to raising Joey. I would never have made it without them. They encouraged me, gave me advice and taught me so much about being a good parent. That being said, this whole living together thing is not working out so well.

We’ve been in our townhouse for just under a year now, with six months to go on our lease. Now, I know I’m not the easiest person to live with. I am Miss Cranky Pants in the morning, I get into moods where I’d just like to be left alone, and therefore Read the rest of this entry »

Last week I mentioned having had a rather enlightening moment. It was a moment in which everything in my life seemed to come to center. It was an unusual, yet peaceful sensation.

For most of my life, I’ve been the kind of person who looks like they’re in charge, but really, I’ve let others guide my decisions. Many times I’ve made decisions out of anger or hurt and while the majority of them have turned out ok, there have been a few that really came back to bite me in the ass. It’s become quite a habit for me to get a great idea, get all excited about it, then let it drop by the way side because I’m embarrassed to share it with others, or, in some cases, I just get too lazy and comfortable in my current situation and don’t want to do the work required to make my idea happen.

While driving to work last week, I had a sudden vision of exactly where I want to be, exactly what I want to be doing and the people I want to be surrounded with. I know it sounds corny, but it was like seeing my life flash before my eyes including things that have yet to become reality. It ocurred to me I am wasting my life dreaming of things that will never be. Things I wish I could do, or be, but will never come to fruition. Not because I couldn’t do it, but because they are unrealistic.

I’m not sure why I came to this conclusion, or even why it all makes sense now. But I do know I’m happier today than I have ever been. Is it because I feel like I have a purpose? Or maybe it’s because I’m not pressuring myself with things that I know in my heart will never happen. For whatever reason, I recognize now what I have to offer people, what I have to offer myself and where I can take my life and be truly happy.

As generally happens when I’m particularly hormonal, I start to contemplate my life. When that happens, I start to regret. Then I start to wonder “what if”? Then I get mad. Then I get sad. Then it all starts over again. Thank whatever god is in heaven this doesn’t happen all the time or I’d be kickin’ it at the Macadamia Ranch with Crazy Larry.

So last night Joey and I are hanging out, playing Transformers on the Wii and talking about our impending vacation, when he looks over at me and smiles and BAM! I see his father. I mean, not Joey looking like his father, but his father. Right there in front of me. It was creepy.

I have noticed changes in him Read the rest of this entry »